Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Cheatin' Heart

Cheating is not fun.

I have cheated twice. It was not thrilling or exciting. It was not like my romance novels. He did not take me passionately on the desk in my office. I did not even climax.

It is not like I am a huge promoter for fidelity. I believe that staying with one person is pretty simple. If you love someone, you won’t be looking elsewhere.

And FYI, I am happy with APK. I am not talking about this relationship.

I have cheated though. Twice. And it was never worth the guilt. I wish I was one of those people who could watch a horror movie and not think about it that night in bed. But I am not. I dwell. Cheating just is not for me.

I cheated on my boyfriend in college junior year. I was interning in NYC. He was working construction for his dad in his Massachusetts hometown. I would drive up on the weekends. But then my dad had a heart attack. I wanted to talk to him, but I could not. He didn’t know how to listen, and I did not know how to speak.

I lost 10 pounds. I cried too much. Then, one night, I went out salsa dancing with Ali and Jill. I got very drunk and called a guy I had hooked up with briefly sophomore year of college. He was two years older and had graduated and moved to the UWS. I had bumped into him earlier in the summer at Sutton Place (tells you how young I was).

I went to his apartment and spent the night. I felt really cheap.

The next day, I called my boyfriend and confessed all. He was an ex by the end of the phone call.

I said I would never cheat again.

But then I did. It takes me a bit longer than most people to learn a lesson, obviously.

I hooked up with an ex's best friend. I said I was staying at a friend’s place, went out, got drunk, and spent the night at his best friend’s place. His best friend wanted me. I didn’t want his best friend until I knew he wanted me. Then something felt dangerous. Danger felt exhilarating.

I thought he was Eric Clapton, and I was Layla.

So he pushed me up against a wall to kiss me. His touch felt weird. His kisses felt weird. It all felt weird. I stopped it around 2nd base and lay awake in bed all night feeling guilty.

I never said a word to my ex.

I pretended every time I saw his friend, like I would never felt him hard against me. I did not look him in the eye. I did not invite him places. I grew angry at him and closer to my ex.

I felt like crap.

I felt like crap.

I felt like crap.

Eventually, I walked away from both of them. One was forced, and one was intentional. They stayed in one another’s lives. I’m sure my ex will never find out.

But I cheated twice, and it just isn’t worth it. Not worth it to tell and not worth it to keep secret. Just not worth it.

I believe it is okay to entertain the idea. You can flirt and mingle with someone else. You can go out with them, hold hands with them, kiss them on your doorstep if you please. But the second you take it inside. The second you lay on top of them. The second you rub you body against theirs. The second you no what you are doing is wrong… that’s when you change for the worst. That’s when you stop trusting your partners in future relationships. You know how easy it is. You know how fast it happens. You know, and it sucks.


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