Friday, September 22, 2006

Travel Tales

I am currently home in Mobile for the Jewish New Year. I don't know if the Claritin-D I had to purchase from beyond the CVS counter (the crystal meth TV ads scared someone out there... you know little Janey is the one getting the toxic vapors up her nose from the lab downstairs) but everything on my flight down here made me laugh.

At Reagan, I went to Wall Street Deli, one of the randomly named delis (Kentucky Derby sandwiches, The One and Only Bagel Stop, Ciao's Fresh Wraps... some of them don't even make sense). I ordered a BLT on white bread, since the 4 peanuts they now give out on the airplane can't substitute for a meal. The women behind the counter seriously asked me, "Do you want tomato, or lettuce on that?" I started laughing. Then the guy behind me started laughing, and the girl behind him. "Obviously," I finally replied. Then she piled about 17 strips of bacon on a tomato on the bread and went to close it up. I said, "Um, lettuce too. And I don't need that much bacon." She threw the bacon down on the counter. It made this loud squishy noise. I bought the sandwich, grabbed some free butter from the condiments bar, and chucked the contents of the sandwich for bread and butter.

I've decided that since words like "retarded" can no longer be used in political correctness, I'll make up my own. I think we should start calling people who are dumber than dirt or spiteful for no known reason after the species of that ape girl archeologists found. So the woman at Wall Street Deli was a total afarensis! How do you like?

I changed planes in the Cincinnati Airport. I've been living in big cities too long. In Washington, DC they have tons of booths and stores with "I love DC" shirts and "Head Chef of Staff" aprons. In New York, they have Big Apple Gifts and souvenir sized Empire State Building statues. In Ohio, they have "The America Store" which includes souvenirs from all over America. I guess Cincinnati’s biggest claim to fame is really just Procter & Gamble, and a thimble shaped like a Cascade detergent box wouldn't sell to well, I'm guessing.

Cincinnati’s airport also has a 10 minute manicure stop near the food court in terminal B, which by the way, is the cleverest thing I've ever seen. I might detour through Cincinnati just to get my nails done in the mail. Screw you shoe polishers, businesswomen fly now too, and we've got needs!

On my flight down to Pensacola (it saves about $200 to fly into Pensacola, for some unknown airline planning reason, which also explains the direct flight daily from Pensacola to Montreal but not from Montreal to Pensacola?), half the people on it were sailors in full uniform wearing their neckties, white pants suits, and little condom-like hats. I half expected them to start singing tunes with pints of Guinness. I texted my friends. My favorite response was "Ooooh, Sea-men!" They were all about 12, and the dude sitting next to me had terrible body odor. Can't they be discharged for that?

Anyways, I'm home in Alabama safe and sound and Sea-men free (take that however you like). I'll write more Monday.


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