Baggage

It's amazing to me that as I become more mature, more adept at handling heartbreak, more secure in who I am, more assured that I am a great catch for someone... that no matter how much I've grown and changed and sculpted myself into the person I've always wanted to be... I've acquired a certain pessimism that can only be described as serious baggage.

I don't know where it all started. I don't know how I became less adventurous and more proactive. I don't know why I assume that anyone I care about will eventually hurt me. I have managed to build a concrete wall around myself, and I am not crazy about the outcome.

I like APK. I like being with APK. Nothing about APK turns me off. I trust APK. I think about APK when I'm not with him. So why on earth would I push APK away? I wish I could answer my own question.

From here, I need to devise a plan. A lesson plan.

Lesson 1: Accept my baggage, but upgrade it. Make it Louis Vuitton luggage instead. LV luggage is something you take on a glamorous trip. It's filled with all of your favorite things. Ferragamo shoes. Mink coat. Diamond studs. A double-strand of freshwater pearls. Baggage is what you throw in the back of a pick-up truck on your way to a motel. Luggage is different. So from now on, I'll stop trying to be who I was. I'll appreciate the things I've learned and pack them away into who I am. And I'll take them with me on my trip to the Homestead.

Lesson 2: Men and Women have different takes on what constitutes intimacy. I asked APK how he would "private time" more fun. I'm thinking dressing up and trying new places, like the beach or the back of a car. He's thinking different positions and different "private time" actions. Cosmo didn't make up these repeated articles about "How to Please Your Lover" afterall. So in the name of compromise, I will try and loosen my inhibitions. I know he'll be there when I wake up, and I've already tried some of the stuff he's suggested with fabulous reviews. It's all about compromise, I'll dress up in my fantasy outfits and do some of his fantasy acts... well some of them... it may take me a couple Valium to try out all of them.

Lesson 3: A little less talk and a little more action. Geez, when did I become the serious conversation type? You can tell someone cares about you from the way you wake up next to them. When they pull you toward them, stroke your back, kiss you... there's no need to hear "You're the best, I really like you." You can tell. Reassurance is in their actions. How they grab your hand or stare out you across a crowded room. Talk just gets in the way of moments. I'm dating an Economist not a Politician.

Lesson 4: Arrogance is okay. Relationship experts constantly emphasize being humble with your partner. The truth is, it is more important to think you're a catch. If you believe it, your partner will believe it. Happiness is living in the moment. Living in the moment is knowing that if they don't see what you know to be true about yourself than that is their problem and their loss. Selfless and self-conscious are not the same thing. Give your partner a present with the money you would have spent on something for yourself, but do not give them the ability to make or break you.

Lesson 5: Enjoy. Enjoy your time together. Enjoy your kisses. Enjoy seeing their reaction to one of your favorite movies. Enjoy meeting people they feel are important in their lives. Enjoy learning about their favorite food. Enjoy watching them across a room. Enjoy every single moment, and you won't regret anything.

So there you have it. I can and I will and I must succeed. Luggage in tow, I'm off to the French Riviera.