Monday, May 01, 2006


It's not that I think every person I'm dating is someone I'll be with forever and ever. I'm mature enough (and not psycho enough) to realize that situations often make it impossible to predict what the future holds. However, I do believe in the concept of not wasting any precious time. Meaning- if you know I'm definitely not the one (or vice versa) please don't waste my time.

I don't want to ever feel like I wish I could back track. If someone doesn't think they could potentially marry me, then why date me? They could get to know me perfectly well as my friend. I'm an open sort of girl, ya know.

So last Wednesday, APK and I had the impending "what happens this summer when we are both on different vacation schedules and then in fall, when APK goes back to school."

It is not a good thing for two anxious Type-A's to have these types of unsupervised conversations. Yes, we like each other. Yes, we don't want to stop dating. Yes, we're still into each other chemistry-wise. But yes, the two of us almost completely stopped speaking because we were both so anxious about what might happen 4 months from now. That's healthy, right?

Anyways, we're back to being normal, I think, for now. But obviously some of the things he said keep echoing in my head, said defensively or not on his part. What's the main thing? I don't know if I'm just piddling away time at the moment. Will I look back and feel like I wasted a perfectly good May with him when June roles around? And why is time so important to me?

I think I'd regret ending it more. Especially on account of no actual reason for ending it.

We had a great weekend together. Friday night, Shabbat dinner at my apartment with one too many sangrias (I make a good sangria, apparently). Saturday night, dinner at Cafe Bonnaparte in Georgetown with two friends of his who recently got engaged. Perfectly nice. Even got icecream together at Thomas Sweet.

But, the question I ask myself (and poor, dear SC over lunch today about half a gazillion times- thanks SC for listening), why is time so important to me anyways? I'm not dying. As far as I can see, my bodies not aging too rapidly. Then why does this baggage remain?

I think it's a Jerk layover. I feel like, above all the crappy things he said to me at the end of the relationship, I wasted 3 years of my life with someone who sucked. Completely sucked. I look back on my time in New York with fondness towards my old job, but besides a couple of mirrors I collected on our Sunday trips to the Chelsea and UWS flea markets, I don't really know what I got from those 3 years with him. I certainly found good friends in the city (both AW's were products of my stint there and I love them both dearly)... but I didn't meet them with him. I met them on my own. The only mutual friend of ours I liked ended up being a total asshole to me after the relationship's demise. So 3 years dedicated to one person, and I ended up with nothing.

But that's the character of Jerk. Already through APK I've met so many great people... I've been to so many great DC places... and I've shared some of my favorite times here with him.

So I don't think I'm wasting time.

And I don't want to have the conversation again unless I really need to have it. But, I thought I'd just fill ya'll in. Mainly because I don't really have any super interesting stories to tell today from the weekend. I'm sure every blogger's discussing Anna Nicole at the moment.


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