What I Want...

I don't emote well. After my breakup last summer, I went to see a Psychologist. She told me I move to fast never letting myself feel anything for too long. I repress much better than much else. I was told that I need to stop working over time to forget the problems in my head and start, instead, to understand them. For a girl who obsesses over signs and fate and destiny, it is strange that I'm so lackadaisical about my emotions.

APK gave me a journal, which covered in intricately patterned embossed leather, is much to attractive to store away, sits on a stand next to my bed. Thus, when I had yet another nightmare, I decided to use to start a list of what I want. I used to keep a journal next to my bed when I was handling my diagnosed Anxiety Disorder and insomnia. I was told to track the things that kept me awake. I'm not sure how this list even began. It wasn't something I intended to start writing.

My two best friends in high school, Elise and Melissa, and I once wrote lists for what we wanted in our future husband. Mine was tall and blonde. He was an ex-football star who practiced Judaism and grew up going to the Kennedy complex on his weekends. He had dimples and blue eyes. He got along with all of my guy friends from high school, most of who I don't even talk to anymore. He loved his Mom and Dad. He got straight A's in school. He would jump infront of a bus for me. Basically, I created someone who couldn't possibly exist. We summed it up by saying the one thing we wanted most. Elise said the guy she married would think she was smart. Melissa said the guy she married would think she was beautiful and not want to be with anyone else. I said the guy I married wouldn't ever tell me I over analyzed.

But I'm an adult now.

I've had relationships and baggage and that blonde guy who I thought was perfect, but turned out to be a pathetic, cocaine-using, small dicked.... well you get the point.

So here's my life of what I want. Maybe not all things, but I'd like enough to feel like I don't need to make anymore lists.

1) To have someone to call everyday, if I want, or not call everyday, if I don't.
2) To say "I love you" and hear it back.
3) To talk about the future in terms of "We."
4) To have a +1 on wedding invites.
5) To know the person I'm dating's family and vice versa.
6) To go on trips with someone.
7) To sign a friend's birthday card together.
8) To have an emergency contact locally on medical forms.
9) To not have to ration and keep tabs of the night per week I see them.
10) To have them save me once of twice in my dreams.
11) To not think about the positives of my bad past relationships in comparison to my partner's negatives.
12) To not worry about being needy or dependent.
13) To not worry that they'll leave me if I say what I want.
14) To not have to hook up every night we're together.
15) To not read my partner's horoscope everyday without fear it will say they're going to meet someone else.
16) To not be jealous or scared of being left without them.
17) To not have to look my best all the time.
18) To spend the day inside with someone doing nothing at all.
19) To cook dinner together.
20) To not have to question if they'll invite me as their +1 to a wedding.
21) To have someone read my blog just because they're interested in what I have to say.
22) To have someone want to buy a pet with me.
23) To have someone comfortable enough to pee while I'm in the shower.
24) To have someone remember my favorite flowers (It's not that hard. Oriental lilies and red roses.)
25) To have someone want me so badly that they might even have sex with me while I'm on my period.
26) To know that once we've both been tested and I'm on birth control, we can have sex without a condom if we're exclusive.
27) To be told I'm beautiful every once in a while.
28) To not have to tell the same important story three times just to have someone know what I'm referencing.
29) To know that if I was kidnapped, they'd notice.
30) To not have to constantly explain that I'm not trying to take away the time they spend with their buddies.
31) To know I am as important to them as their buddies.
32) To have someone in a frame next to my bed.
33) To give someone the key to my apartment.
34) To have someone wear clothes around me that they know I like on them.
35) To keep facewash and a toothbrush at someone else's house so that I don't have to plan to stay over.
36) To feel comfortable enough to go out with my friends while they're out with theirs and then meet up later for sleep.
37) To have someone look deep into my eyes.
38) To grocery shop for two.
39) To take care of someone when their sick.
40) To be taken care of when I'm sick.
41) To go to places together knowing we can separate if necessary.
42) To not just be someone they're physically attracted to, but someone they want to talk to as well.
43) To have a best friend first and boyfriend second.
44) To not be scared that they're into any of my friends.
45) To not have them discuss whether they'd date any of my friends.
46) To not feel like I'm infringing on their space by spending time with them at a party or bar.
47) For my friends to tell me whoever I'm with really likes me.
48) To have someone who mirrors my best personality treats and doesn't bring out my worst.
49) To not wait for the blow-up that will end the relationship.
50) To fall in love.

Emotional enough???