Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Not that I want to discuss it...

but what's with self-sabotage? Everyone I know (including me) self-sabotages. Vive declared that we wouldn't do it if we didn't have reason to feel that it wasn't going to work out. Maybe we feel like if we push someone away, we have more room to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's and be hurt. Not that I want to discuss it.

I know I freak out. I always freak out. When I'm scared about how something is going and don't want myself to feel anything, I usually drink too much and push. I push hard. I then wake up like, "what's wrong with me." It's almost like I test people... to see if they give me a second chance. Then if they do, I am a normal human being. I just get so wound up with anxiety that I find myself thinking, it would just be easier to hurt.

It's no way to live your life. Any of us. A friend's mom just told her she erupted from the build up of suppresses emotions. Another friend finally found a great guy who doesn't live here so she's scared to feel anything. Would it be easier to be emotionless? A hermit? I don't know.

Happy 2007. My New Years resolutions are to accept myself for who I am and talk less. Oh, and I want to be more proactive about my emotions so they don't come out in horrid ways.


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