Disconnect

I often feel like my only purpose in life is to bring people together. I know that's morbid and depressing and whatever else, but I don't necessarily mean it as a bad thing.

The weekend back in October when I went to visit the NYC crew made me feel a bit like the observer in my own life. Jenny and District Belle went out together. I've know Jenny since I was 5. I met District Belle through my JLW New Member group. They're both from Bama, and thus clicked immediately. Jenny'd been out with me and Eye (who I met through my first Shabbat Cluster) and met Eye's friend from college Jack Black. Jack and Jenny hit it off and thus the Saturday night I was in NYC, District Belle and Jenny went to meet Jack Black out. Jack was with Eye and crew, but also with Eye's other friend from college who lives with Kate's good friend. So, District Belle met my roommate and one of my closer friends (Eye) with me elsewhere.

That's just one of many stories. I'd say 75% of the time, I feel my purpose is purely to combine people. JK is the only person I know who does this similarly. Lives her life by throwing oil and water together convinced it will mix this time around.

Telling this to Jer last night, he mentioned The Tipping Point, which, I'm embarrassed to say, I've never actually read (though Susie Salmon just inhabited Ruth's body and had sex with Ray in the last two chapters of my current book, The Lovely Bones. So I'm due for a new book tomorrow). Jer said that JK and I are what comes to mind when he thinks of "Connectors."

I don't know why that settled my stomach the way it did, but it worked better than ginger ale and saltines. Often times I feel left out when friends I've introduced plan things without me. It makes me feel inconsequential and removed from the life I've created. I was trying to explain it to AM a while back. "Do you ever feel like you're watching your actions from outside your body? Like, you're merely an observer in your own life?" A bit like Kate Winslet in The Holiday being told that she's playing the best friend in her own life when she should play the protagonist.

I tried to think about last night's happy hour at the Science Club. Sassy, my friend from JLW, chatting with BG, my friend from Bama, while JK and AM chatted up the Master. That JL, my friend from high school, and Angelina, my friend from Conde, will be meeting for a drink soon in NYC without me. And, I tried to enjoy the fact that I can bring everyone I like together if I want. I can have everyone I care about in one place. Not that many people can do this, and I'm happy I'm able.

So, I'm not an observer. I'm a connector. I can deal with that. I think.