Thursday, March 16, 2006

Rules for Riding the Metro

I would like to urge Metro riders in the DC metro area (New Yorkers are welcome to follow suit as well) to instigate the following politeness code of conduct for riding the Metro. This list omits obvious ones like staying to the right if you intend to float down the escalator. This code should be practiced at all times. It should be enforced especially during peak commuting times. I urge all riders to administrate these codes. Enforcement can be accomplished by ostracizing those who seek to challenge common courtesy. Open judgment, displeasing facial expressions, and mentioning tackiness are all encouraged. By following the below code of conduct, we will all enjoy our ride just a little bit more.

1. If you haven't brushed your teeth all day, please breath through your nose or seek an Altoid. You may not notice your breath, but we all do. Keep mouth wash in your desk drawer. If you have eaten your last peppermint, ask a neighbor for one. It's best for them too.

2. Ladies, we know big handbags are in style, but there is a proper way to hold them on a crowded train. Take them off your shoulder, holding them by the handles, at your waist. Please hold them under the boob line. This will decrease your width. Your handbag is not a child. It does not need to be held a certain way. Keep your bag as close to you as possible.

3. Showering is a human-only luxury. I realize that in the animal kingdom, smell is natural. However, you are a human. If you don't plan on showering, don't ride public transportation. If you have a horrible smell naturally, invest in cologne or don't ride the Metro.

4. And while we're on the subject of body odor, deodorant is something Americans use. We don't like the smell of sweat. We aren't very worldly. Most of us don't care that the French Upper Class avoids deodorant. Most of us would rather grind our nose through a meat chopper than smell you. When on the Metro in Washington, DC, invest in deodorant.

5. There is no need to scream on the Metro unless you've fallen onto the tracks or been mugged. Specifically, there is no reason to scream with your other 17-year old girlfriends on a crowded Metro purely to impress a bunch of 17-year old boys. They are about to hit their sexual peak in a year. No mating calls are necessary. Use your quiet voice on the Metro. If you don't have a quiet voice, learn sign language.

6. If you and a fellow rider are holding on by the same poll, don't sneeze on your fellow riders hand. Don't wipe your runny nose with the poll holding hand and then place it back on the poll. Don't let your fingers touch the other persons fingers. Don't stare at your neighbors rings or manicure. Just hold on and stay still, politely staring above. And if you're tall, have the courtesy to hold on to a poll above your head or as far up as your arm will allow.

7. Do not try to pick-up someone on a packed subway car, and definitely do not try to pick-up someone on a packed subway car if they are squashed into you and you are their father's age.

8. Men should make sure that they don't become erect while pushed against a female in a packed card (or a male). If you cannot help this natural feature and are over the age of 14, step out of the packed train at the next stop, find a bathroom, and wait for an unpacked car.

9. A packed car is NOT Rumors on a Saturday night in the summer. We're not all wasted Hill interns. Groping inappropriate areas is illegal. People will catch on if your hand miraculously keeps grabbing the breasts of fellow riders.

10. If you are inclined to wear stilettos to work but have yet to learn how to properly balance, bring sneakers to work. The Metro is not the runway with Miss Jay. Learn to walk before you fall into everyone else.


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