All the Queen's Horses and All the Queen's Men

Went to hear Eleanor Herman speak at the National Press Club last night about her new book Sex with the Queen. She was decked out in a tiara and 16th century clothing. Seated to our right were about 10 people dressed up in their Renaissance Reenactment garb (or so I hope they at least had an activity associated with the attire). The PowerPoint presentation was titled "SexPressClub." The summary of the presentation- Relationships suck. These women marry because they need to marry, and they end up taking lovers to appease a lack of completion in themselves. She ended it by saying that the worst job in the world was being Queen.

The conversation at dinner afterwards brought me to the following conclusion:

As a chick, either you're in a relationship with someone who wants a relationship (thus a stable one) OR you're in a relationship with someone who wants you (thus an unstable one).

(I'm sure for someone out there, they believe they've found both... but trust me... that guy's just really good at playing the game. He was ready for a relationship and then you came around. You can't crack a hard-boiled egg until it's cooked fully.)

Meaning, is it better to find a guy who wants a relationship or a guy who wants to be in a relationship only because he wants to be with you?

From a girl who's had to deal with this issue one too many times, sometimes being with a guy who wants you more than they want a relationship is like being in state of emergency. You're constantly having to take a leap of faith and intuition. You don't know how long it will last or what will make or break it. You end looking at horoscopes and getting sentimental over Delilah on the radio. You need answers to how to make this love work. Why are there no answers? You end up wanting something you know you probably can't have... or at least not yet. You can't talk about events that might take place in a month or a year or a decade from now. Finally, it fizzles. He decides you're not the one. The truth is, even if you were, he's not ready for the "one" yet. He'll make up excuses as to why, but you know, if the timing was right, you'd be right.

So then you find someone who wants a relationship. You actively seek out stability, because it was so lacking in your last relationship. You get to dream in this relationship. You get to talk about marriage and family and kids. You can picture yourself sitting next to this person in synagogue Saturday mornings. They may not be completely perfect, and you probably liked the non-relationship guy more, but the stability is a deal breaker. Sex is good, because you know each time, it can't possibly be the last.

And the you nest. You start spending time together on Sunday evenings watching television. You sign birthday cards together. You have favorite brunch spots and one dry cleaning ticket.

Most women do marry a man that wants a relationship even if he's the right one. They live perfectly normal existences. Perhaps that's a sign of how short a distance we've come from the 16th century. You marry for security. You love for security. You want for passion.

Because as much as it feels good to be wanted, it feels much better to be safe.