Thursday, December 07, 2006

Here a Quirk. There a Quirk. Everywhere a Quirk Quirk.

Harriet Beecher Stowe wrote in Oldtown Folks in 1869, "Every man had his own quirks and twists, and threw himself out freely in the line of his own individuality; and so a rather jerky, curious, original set of us there was."

A quirk is defined as a peculiarity of behavior or an idiosyncrasy. It is undoubtedly our quirks that make us individuals, but are we living and dating in a world full of stranger eccentricities than ever before?

I've always said I prefer a man with quirks… considering I am extremely aware of my own peculiarities. After all, I do make my bed ever single morning even if my room is a mess, stay away from meat that looks like the animal it came from, and find people dressed in period costume the most entertaining thing in life. But the question becomes, what is too much of a quirk? What borders on the freakish? And, what quirks are enough to discard the thought of being with someone?

Since the strangest quirks are generally not even something the most imaginative thinker could create, I decided to poll the ladies in my life for descriptions. Here are some of the most original quirks you've ever read. I imagine that those of you in a relationship will want to stay in it forever after reading this list, and that those of you who are single might want to join a convent. I’ve separated them into two sections. One about behaviors and one about sexual encounters.

Male-Pattern Badness!

There's a guy out there (with any luck not several) who can only watch football with the lights off while eating Papa John's wings. And yes, they MUST be Papa John's wings. This means that if the closest Papa John’s doesn’t deliver, he must drive or cab to that Papa John’s prior to kickoff.

When passing gas, one guy must lift his left leg…. even in public… and always his left leg.

A sign of too much time in the tanning bed or poor moisturizing perhaps, there is a guy who keeps a soft-bristle hair brush with him at all times in order to scratch his face.

Lying on top of someone's back is the favorite intimate contact for another guy. Not in a sexual way either, just the feeling of being on someone else’s back is good to him.

The line, "You'd wax your back hair too if you had to go hang out with your buddies on the Jersey Shore every weekend," has actually been said by another guy.

One non-medical guy will only use a loofah in the shower; because he is convinced soap breeds bacteria.

Another guy will only chew out of one side of his mouth… hmmm, is it possible that a past dental crisis caused that potential trauma?

Being happy in pictures for one guy is not an option. He refuses to smile in pictures and asks that people posing with him don't show any glee either. He doesn't work for Crest, apparently.

Vanity Smurf has a common following of men out there who check themselves out in the mirror… with Zoolander-esque faces.

And finally, there is a guy who requires people put a fan on, or the sink, when peeing so that he doesn't hear the noise… even when the door is shut and he's in the other room.

I Smell Sex and Candy!

Okay, maybe not candy, but there is a guy in the dating scene who likes to smell coco butter lotion while having sex. He puts some on his hands and chest before the passion begins. I'm guessing that was what his mom kept in the bathroom when he was hitting puberty?

Ears are delicious to another guy. He spent so much time licking his partner's ear that she had to proclaim, "Hey, I wasn't looking for a bath!"

And what's with the handling of breast for so many men? Yo, Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers, the row boat doesn't feel good! I heard of one fellow who kept on tweaking the lady's nipples during a make out session. It hurt her, and she kept moving his hand away. He kept right on moving his hand back until she had to break up the entire make-out session and flat out tell him to stop by proclaiming, "This is not Tune in Tokyo!!"

What sort of unexplored drug causes a guy's sweat to literally take the dye out of the fabric on a couch? But, indeed, I once heard of a guy who ruined a couch simply by sweating during the act.

And, did the Preppy Killer teach us nothing? Strangling during sex is not normal at all! It is bullshit that limited oxygen creates a better orgasm… when has this ever worked?

Dirty talk is hot for many men, but what about dirty talk in a made up language? One guy prefers that his conquests speak in lusty gibberish while he fornicates with them.

Dressing up in sexy lingerie is hot, but if a guy prefers you in his tighty whiteys, might we assume he would prefer another man? And yucky, gross skid marks much?!

For the men out there, here's a female quirk:

One girl broke up with a dude exactly every 28 days for the first 4 months of dating. She'd take it back within a couple of hours, but you can probably guess what day that was in her cycle, right?

2 Comments:

  • At December 07, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mmmm... not biased or anythin'. The number of disgusting, insane things women request during pregnancy alone would double your list of male quirks.

     
  • At December 07, 2006, Blogger GreenEggsSamDC said…

    Your right. I should follow up with a list from the men in my life! Thanks for the ideas.

     

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