Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Per Chance to Forget

After Jerk and I broke up, I felt the anxiety building inside of me. I wasn't sleeping or eating or happy. It didn't help that we were still living together... and he was staying out all night with the new girl, then coming back the next morning, saying he'd stayed at his sisters. I'm the child of a doctor, so I knew I needed to fix the pain pronto before it consumed me. We had the offical talk on a Monday. That Wednesday, I called in sick to work, saw my doctor for some sleeping medicine, and got a referal to a Psychologist for that day.

I move too fast, she said. I talk too fast, discard clothing that is out of style too fast, walk too fast, drive too fast, etc. Everything I do is catastrophic. I just move on... as I've said before, convince myself not to feel a certain way. "It is a strange way to live your life," she said, "but, the positive thing is that you will forget about this pain in no time at all."

Isn't it funny how each of us thinks back to something we thought we'd never get over and can barely remember the details? I remember around the 3rd month that Jerk and I were dating he had a trip to Maine for work for two weeks. I couldn't bare the thought of not seeing him for two whole weeks. We worked together and stayed together every night. He was everything to me at the time, and I hated the idea of going about my life just the way it always was without him in it. But, after about a week of his being away, it didn't hurt. I started to sleep in the center of my bed again, and shower whenever I felt like getting up. I cooked myself dinner and watched what I wanted to watch. My life went on. When he came back missing me so much, he was upset that I wasn't overly excited to see him. I convinced myself not to miss him, and so, I didn't miss him.

It has been more than 2 months since APK and I offically broke up, and I thought today how much I don't miss him. It wasn't too difficult to get use to life without him. We never talked every day, and we only saw each other a couple of times a week. I have such wonderful friends in DC, and I never felt like APK was really there for me. I would have called BG, Suave, the Master, Eye, Missdy, Jenny before I'd have called him about anything. To be quite honest, it has been harder getting adjusted to not having Peter in my life. But, even that I've gotten over.

I don't pine. I'm not the mushy type, and I just don't see the point in curling up and dwelling on someone's abscence in your life. You just move on. Simple. The faster you move on, the better. And, if someone hurts you, the best way to get over it is to have the time to convince yourself not to feel hurt.

Today, I realized I can't hear Jerk's voice in my head anymore. Without looking at a picture, I have no idea what he looks like. I don't remember his touch or his kiss. And, full months go by that I don't think about him once. With APK, I'm getting there. I don't remember what it was like to have feelings for him. I think the nature of the breakup was that it should have happened long before it did. Because of that, I don't even remember what it was like to see a future with him. I don't miss being with him, and I don't think about him every day.

So, the point of all of this is that everytime I'm hurt, I'll remember that I will forget. I move too fast afterall.


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