Thursday, February 08, 2007

Did you see this email forward yet? It had me laughing!

George Carlin's New Rules For 2007

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad! There's a reason you don't talk to pe ople for 25 years.Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know whatthe captain of the football team is doing these days: --- mowing mylawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out awindow unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that ahuman finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost lessthan a dollar. What did you expect it to contain, Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sexwith their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have abetter description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's howmuch men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we'redone.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.There's a whole aisle of this crap (water) at the super-market, butwithout that watery taste. Sorry, flavored water is called a softdrink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let itmelt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target isintroducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out howto open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, youjust solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, thebigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decafgrande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbreadcappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and oneNutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look upfrom sliding my card, entering my PIN, pressing "Enter," verifying theamount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing thereeating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinesecharacters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crackof your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last timeyou did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren'tpregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one ofthe seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open ofCompetitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker tablewas just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Ohwait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extrahungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used tobe just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduationsfrom rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buyit for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.


  • At February 09, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Who started the "New Rules" idea, Carlin or Bill Maher? 'Cuz someone is blatantly ripping off the other.


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