Thursday, January 26, 2006

Luck be a Lady

Went to see Matchpoint last night with Woody. Crazy thing, the idea of luck. I've always believe that luck is a balancing act fate plays on the world to keep it at equilibrium. Like the people who always win in Vegas... I've always thought they must not have had as balanced a life as I have... nothing really amazing has ever happened to me. I've never won $50 on a scratch ticket or found $100 laying on the ground. I don't really have such luck. But I have a balanced life. I had an excellent childhood with a loving family and never wanted for anything. And when I work hard, I get what I want. So my life is pretty great... not lucky... but great. Then this movie, "I'd rather be lucky than great." Hmmm.

I am scared of getting hurt by life. Now that I am 26, I've begun to be able to admit these truths to myself. I want to resolve them or have them just evaporate into the future. I am scared of being judged. I am scared of being let down. I am scared of letting myself enjoy a moment too much because I don't want to want something later on that I can't have for myself. I am scared of time. I am scared of not ever being good enough for someone. I am scared no one will ever be good enough for me. I am trying so hard to not let my fear get the better of me, and I am scared more than anything else that it will.

So I've been trying to focus on those little moments of complete happiness lately. When I can just close my eyes and know I'd rather not be anywhere else in the entire world. Like last night, falling asleep with Woody next to me. I liked that feeling. And I guess, all we can hope is that we can continue to focus on those tiny morsels of momentary happiness that sneak into our everyday life and make us not so scared. And I guess, that within a life of fear comes the reward of feeling safe. I know now that when I feel safe that I am going to be okay. Safety without fear would mean nothing... like flying in a plane... if you weren't up in the air, the relief you feel when you landed wouldn't be so divine.

And that's what's been on my mind. Well, that and the fact that I really liked Clyde's of Georgetown, I really liked hanging out with Woody, and I am looking forward to cheap happy hour with JL and SG tonight. Yay!


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