Monday, November 13, 2006

My Campaign to Demote Delaware!

I'd like to suggest we, as a nation, take away Delaware's status as a state. It is the most worthless place in the US.

My 4 1/2 hour drive according to Mapquest took me through Baltimore's Harbor Tunnel, all the way North & South on Jersey's Turnpike, through NYC's Holland tunnel, and, on my return to DC, through Staten Island via the Verrazano Bridge (I'm still confused why Staten Island thinks their smelly borough is worth $9 to enter, but that's a whole other story). I'm not a fan of Jersey... I was warned once to never stop at a red light in Newark no matter what... but I can understand any traffic taking place on it's highways. Jersey is close to NYC, and thus, I will patiently accept the toll booths and construction and sometimes traffic. Maryland has Baltimore (Camden Yards is divine) and is close to DC. Again, I'll shut my mouth about any traffic.

But Delaware. Screw Delaware. Stuck in traffic on the way to NYC, as always, in Delaware, I passed through one toll booth then couldn't move an inch. A sign on the side of the road suggested I check the AM traffic report radio. I'm stupid, because I've done this before and all it does it convince me more and more to allow military testing of nuclear bombs in Delaware. "Drivers on North Bound I-95 will experience long delays due to the toll booths." I'm not joking, this is the announcement!

After 2 hours in traffic in Delaware, I reached the second toll booth. "It's backed up to Jersey," the toll booth worker smugly stated. Why? Well, Delaware decided that immediately after these two poorly managed toll booths, they turn 4 lanes into 2 lanes for construction. On my return trip last night, I noticed I-95 N was backed up to Columbia, MD.

Delaware is the barrier between the North and the South. Damn cockblocking state.

So let's get rid of Delaware.

We'd do much better to incorporate one of our territories, say Guam or Puerto Rico (for national tourism to increase), or to go to buy (or conquer, because we could totally take Canada!) Nova Scotia from Canada and make it are own (we could totally save on fish import taxes).

Delaware's a poorly managed, useless, annoying state. It's the second smallest state anyways, and I'm sure the Amish in Pennsylvania would love to have more land to farm... oh, or we could give it to the Orthodox Jewish community in Maryland and bring people displaced from the Gaza Strip to America. They could make H&H bagels and lox and knish. That'd be swell.

And I've heard all of the following already:

"But, Delaware has no sales tax," you say in defense. There's no freakin' shopping in Delaware! No Woodbury Commons deals, no Galleria Mall, no trendy strip of boutiques. Not to mention, you'd have to pay $700 in tolls to get to Wilmington's Sears anyways.

"Dewey Beach is a happening vacation destiny." No one lives there full-time. Basically, you have people in their mid-20s sharing a house with 50 other people, drinking entirely too much, and running up the number of yuppies living with incurable STDs. I've seen my friends' pictures. Dewey is Cancun for the credit card debt crew over 22, Ft. Lauderdale for the heterosexual, Girls Gone Wild for the fat... it's not worth saving Delaware for Dewey. We'll send people to Ocean City, the Jersey Shore, and Virginia Beach instead. They'll be too drunk to notice, I promise.

"Wilmington has tons of credit card companies and Dupont!" My Uncle's worked in Wilmington for 20+ years. When he wanted to raise a family, he moved to Philadelphia. He commutes everyday. He said he wanted to raise the children in a better place. Delaware can't even get the people it employs to stay in it's perimeter. Off with it's head!

So I say we make some t-shirts and find a politician to back us... tear up that land and give it to states that know how to manage tourism, traffic, and taxation. Demote Delaware!!!


  • At November 16, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    But.. but.. but.. if we demoted Delaware, our country would lose Joe Biden as a Senator. What would we do without Senator Biden, I ask ya.

    Now go forth and reconsider.

  • At November 29, 2006, Blogger galaxy girl said…

    reconsider indeed. have you ever had helen's sausage? (i know, it's funny, but it's also damn good)

    sorry you had such a tough time on our stretch of the highway ...


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