Tuesday, January 31, 2006

5 Things You Probably Shouldn't Know About Me.

There are several things you probably should not know about me. If you were ever planning on dating me, these things might change your mind.

1) Rats freak me out, but I still love to learn about them.

I am pretty convinced that rats will someday take over the planet like the pigs in Animal Farm. I couldn't sleep for months after reading about the black plague in a high school history class. I walked out of Outbreak, because I was convinced Ebola would eventually spread to rats. I avoided my childhood dog when she was obviously scratching her fleas thinking that the fleas might have begun on a rat, then gotten on to her, only to eventually come and spread diseases to me. I read Rats by Robert Sullivan cover to cover and recommended it to everyone I know so that we could discuss. When I used to live in New York, I would act appalled at the stories of rat spottings in Union Square or on the subway, but secretly, I would thrive on hearing these disgusting anecdotes.
I enjoyed the horrible story of my hot upstairs neighbor throwing a rat to it's ultimate death when he found it on our trash can lid. I wished that I had been their to witness the whole event. Manly man against animal. I have this article bookmarked as a favorite on my computer... even though it grosses me out... and I read it quite often.

2) I name everything.

I've been naming dolls, imaginary kids, animals, homes, and cars since I was a small child. BG makes fun of me for automatically assigning my first name to the last name of whomever I'm dating. It's not about my wanting to become a MRS. right away. I just love names. I once had 2 gerbils, Snowball and Nibbles, who then raised a family of 22. I named each one and kept a genealogy of their family tree. My dad tried to get me hooked on genetics, so he made me write what color each parent's fur was and then whether or not a dominant or recessive gene was carried over. I followed along purely because I got to name each little circle in my leather bound genealogy table. I named my first car "Tank". I named my new car "Baby". I've known my daughter's name will be Eden since I was twelve. I remember my favorite dolls by name, from Courtney to Max to Natalie to Melanie. When my mother cleaned out my bedroom closet to convert it into a guest room ("You don't live here anymore, what do you care. Your 24 Sam.") , I cried bloody murder to save my favorite childhood dolls. I even used "But I was saving these for my children". My dog has 2 middle names, Buffy Rose, because I couldn't just settle onone simple name. I've even named the rat I see around my trash now, Mimi Ratikins.

3) My feet are the pain of my existence.

I read once that Libra's are ruled by the kidneys. I must not really be a Libra then, because I am ruled by my feet. I wear wide shoes whenever possible. I hate pedicures (but get them anyways) because I don't like anyone being that close to my feet. I only like my feet when my toenails are freshly painted. I get them done once a week during the summer. I always tip 25%. I get foot jealousy in fancy spas. When I was a sophomore in college, a woman in the shoe department at Nordstrom in West Hartford told me that for a little girl I certainly had fat feet. I felt so guilty that she had to be so close to my feet that I bought a pair of shoes I never wore. Sometimes when I am sad about the shallowness of the world, I remind myself that if this were China 100 years ago, beauty would be defined by a woman's foot. This actually makes me feel better. I know I can survive better in a world dominated by men obsessed with breasts.

4) I wish that 1950s style was still in fashion.

I love the way a woman looks in those unnatural fake eye lashes of the 50s. I don't like the eyelash extensions of today that look natural. I wish that we all had our hair at our shoulders with an outwards flip at the bottom. I love dresses that button up the back and pearls and sweater sets. I wish that pantyhose still had a seam up the back, because I think that's really sexy. I'm not a fan of the Abercrombie, natural look. I think women in the 50s looked like women. I like dressing up. I wish that we had more dances as adults so that I could dress up. I wish we dressed more like the bathroom symbol for woman's restroom. I love to dress up in vintage pencil skirts with high waists and pretty cowlneck sweaters when I host a party. I truly believe that curves are beautiful... and this is not just because I've got them.

5) I'm not a vegetarian, but I won't eat anything resembling an animal.

I don't eat chicken when it comes on the bone. I don't eat lobster unless it's mushed into a salad. I don't like salmon that still has skin. Fish that tastes like salt water reminds me that it once had a home. I don't cook with ground beef, because there's draining of blood that has to take place. I despise cleaning chicken breasts before they are cooked, because I don't like having to remove the blood remainders. I often joke that everything I make tastes the same. This is possible because I use sweet italian turkey sausage links by Shady Brook Farms for every recipe. I find that removing the casing and cooking the meat as if it is ground turkey makes it much easier to pretend that I'm not actually cooking anything that once walked.

I hope you still want to be my friend.


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